On the Defense

I'm defensive. Of course no one likes to admit that. My wife Cara and I have been talking a lot about this over the last 6 months or so, and after much self-reflection, I'm coming to realize just how ingrained it is in my gut-level responses.

Here's an example: we just came back from a 10 day road trip to Palm Springs, a family favorite haunt each summer. We had some food left over from the trip and I packed it in the cooler and placed it in the back of the swagger wagon.

At one of our stops, Cara asked where the food was, and then once I informed her it was in the far back, she asked "why didn't you put it in the empty captain's chair up closer?"

At a later stop, I rearranged things and did just that. Then a couple hours later we made another pee stop. Now with the cooler on the seat, the kids had trouble getting out of the van, to which Cara commented, "now the kids can't get out of the van without climbing over stuff."

Without skipping a beat, I responded "Babe, need I remind you that you were the one that asked me to move it there at our last stop?"

Yikes. Seems awful juvenile when you recount the situation out loud.

It's not just me. (Ha. Notice the defensive posture? Caught this after I'd already published the post) The more I reflect on this response in myself, the more I notice it in my dealings with others.

We love the idea of handling criticism well and talk affectionately about how valuable it is. Why then is our knee jerk reaction to defend and point the attention away from ourselves? Even in situations like the one above, we can't help but reassign blame.

There is something innate in us that seeks validation- to know that "I'm okay", so criticism or accusation results in an almost involuntary response of finger-pointing, explaining, dismissing or even anger. We cannot stand the feeling of being considered foolish or inadequate and the safest way to avoid that feeling is to strike back. Even "little stuff" can spark this response.

The more I dig in to this, the more aware I'm becoming of this in the moment. I'm finding if I'm conscious of it, I can sometimes catch myself before I react- whether it's with an employee, colleague or my wife Cara, half the battle is taking the time for the self-reflection.

Have any of you noticed this going on in your own heart? Have you had success in changing this gut-response? If so, how's it benefited your relationships or your leadership in your business or community?